******** Warning! This post is for the ladies only….*******
Yes thats right guys, you can just delete this email, look away, click the little X in the corner. Look away now…
Hey! I said no guys! Well don’t say I didn’t warn you…
OK picture this:
It is a dark night, the sea is rough and rolly, but not too bad. It’s cold, so you are wearing warm gear – thermals, wet weather pants, jacket, life jacket etc. It is your turn on watch. Your lovely crew has woken you from your slumber with a nice cup of tea, which you drink outside as your eyes adjust to the darkness and you slowly wake up.
You get your bearings, and settle in for the next couple of hours on watch. The nice cup of tea has warmed you up on the inside. The stars are twinkling over head, the sails are filling nicely and you are trucking along downwind at a pleasant 6 knots…
Ahh this is what night time sailing is all about.
Until…
You need to pee.
Arraggh!
So you check the horizon, no hazards to avoid in the immediate future, and head below, attempting to be quiet so as not to awake the snoozing crew. It is rough, and the boat is heeling over, so you clamber about on an odd angle and eventually make it to the head. (which for you land lubbers still reading this is boat-speak for toilet)
Thankfully you are wearing your especially designed ladies wet weather pants
You sit on the toilet on a precarious angle, with the waves the boat is bucking up and down like a wild horse, you feel like you are on a rollercoaster ride with your trousers down. You are holding on for dear life to avoid either slipping off the loo all together or flying off the seat in the next big wave.
Now try to relax enough to do a wee…
You are worried that on this odd angle the liquid in the bowl is going to slosh out and either all down your legs or all over the floor. Thankfully this doesn’t happen, and you are able to do your business.
But the fun isn’t over yet! No! Now you have to get your trousers up again. Getting them off was ok, but trying to pull up your knickers and thermal leggings is quite difficult. You are using one arm to hold yourself steady and the other arm is round behind your back – remember those back flap pants? With the nice high bib front to keep you warm and cosy? – well you have to put your arm round behind you to pull your undergarments on.
But – you are a bit hot from all that struggling around so your knickers bunch up – just like they do when you are getting changed in a swimming pool changing room. This tangle is impossible to unravel with just one hand. So you let go of the wall or whatever you were holding on to and put both hands behind your back in an attempt to untangle the knickers and leggings and get them back on.
While struggling with both arms behind your back and down your pants, you go over a large wave and unable to stop yourself you fly like a torpedo through the cabin and on top of your sleeping crew member.
Needless to say – they are not impressed, you are still unable to move as your hands are practically tied behind your back, you wriggle around like a seal until you are able to get your arms free – apologising and attempting to come up with some plausible explanation for being there.
Eventually you manage to get your clothing straight again, get your back flap zipped up, jersey tucked in and you are back up on watch again.
The whole process has taken far too long. You are now really thirsty from all the effort required to go to the loo. This is ridiculous. It is almost enough to make you want to give up on drinking liquids ever again…
There MUST be an easier way!?
So I was mooching around Oddies Marine Supply Store in Picton the other day. This shop literally stocks everything one would need on a boat. I stumble upon an item that might just be a life changer.
A Shewee
A what??!!
The packet promised things like “A perfect solution for needing to go, whilst on the go, The Shewee is an award winning portable urinating device for ladies, allowing you to urinate whilst standing and without removing any clothes.”
Aha! Could this be the answer to my problems? I had to find out. So I bought one. In hot pink to match my jacket. It cost about NZD$25.00. It comes in a discreet case too – about the size of a sunglasses case, so unsuspecting people seeing it laying around would not know what it was.
I couldn’t wait to try it out. I am not sure if Andrew was disturbed at my excitement or not, he looked perplexed – too bad, this was a dream come true! Being able to pee standing up! It would be like being like a man, but without the hassles of being like a man – like for example – shaving… and ummm, (I am struggling to think of the hassles men have being men…!?)
The Shewee is a specially shaped funnel and a longer tube extension. You simply place it between your legs and voila – the world is your toilet!
No more squatting behind bushes with mosquitos biting your bum when out hiking! No more splashes on your trouser legs! No more hovering over public toilet seats! No more struggling down below on a sailing rollercoaster toilet.
OK – granted there are still some hassles there. Those expensive back flap wet weather pants I mentioned? Nope they will not work with a Shewee, unless you fancy trying it backwards -perhaps? No that would not be good.
Also it is a well known fact that many Man Overboard situations have been caused by men weeing off the back of boats, and falling overboard in the process. Don’t lets go adding any Shewee using ladies in to that category.
Also you will learn general male life skills like peeing upwind is not good, and yes you should wear shoes if peeing uphill etc. All just simple trial and error stuff.
It does take a bit of practise and the first few times you are sure that you are going to wet your pants, but by the third go I was a pro! I now carry the Shewee in my daypack for use during any adventures. When you get home it just needs a quick wash off and then back in the pack!
I believe that there are other ‘devices’ out there doing a similar thing. I haven’t tried them. I would love to know how the Volvo Ocean Racing ladies manage with things like this too.
Do you have any great toilet tips for ladies at sea? It can’t only be me who has this problem. I would love to hear your suggestions.
Viki & Naomi
Yipee!
Astrolabe Sailing 
Very funny post… I had heard of these but this is where catamarans have a bit of an advantage over monos! Not quite the atheletics to go to the loo although I recognise some of the contorsions to get the pants back up one handed 🙂
We do 2 hour watches on Take It Easy so I tend to go before and after my watch to avoid the trip down below during!
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Ha ! Great post and I can definitely relate. The worst: you pull on all your gear, snap tight the buckle of your lifejacket and then some alarm goes off in your head that you need to pee… when you KNOW it’s only psychological. Happens every.single.time ! I never bought those fancy back-flap pants and now I’m convinced that it doesn’t really make life simpler. Unless it’s really bad out, I usually wear fisherman’s pants (foul weather pants without the bib) over layers of polar fleece so everything can be pulled down and back up again with minimal hassle. I have known of the shewees for a long time, but since I always nag Patrick about peeing off the back of the boat (dangerous), I’m not sure I should be tempted.
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Do whatever works for you ladies but do bear in mind that the only way of making sure men hit the target is for them to sit on it.
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Ha ha! Funny and sad at the same time.
Sitting on the pot, I’ve mastered the “head braced against the bulkhead” method. But there’s no way I’ve found to manage redressing without a short tether. 🙂
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Astrolabe – I laughed so hard at this post, but the struggle is real! Thanks for sharing!!
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I like that you chose a color to match your jacket. When you’re done with the sailing season, you can take the ensemble to the Paris runways. 😉
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Now there’s a thought! 😉
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Oh, man, I have been there! Including being launched off the head when a wave hits, bursting out the door with pants around ankles (had just regular foulies!) I would like to try this device. If used judiciously, I think it would be very worthwhile!
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Easy, dont wear any underwear and use your rear flap!, On another note some new crew just cant pee on a boat, this can cause a serious issue when on a voyage as I once found out so honesty is needed!
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Lol!
Oh no that would not be good!
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Fantastic post! I was using the head on our old boat in NZ once and the toilet seat broke while I was on it and went sliding across the boat. Disaster! If only I had had a Shewee 🙂
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Oh no!!!
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I absolutely love that you bought pink to match your foulies. LOL!!!
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😉
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lol well ive heard about these and they are growing in popularity!
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LOL, Viki! We have a similar product in the US called Go Girl. 🙂
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Awesome post – laughing so hard! But soooo true – have to say I still haven’t mastered this despite 40,000 miles… I just swear a lot 🙂
-Ellen (obviously)
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Very Funny – great post!
I feel like I have to provide the counter argument:
I can’t believe that you sailing ladies are all excited about standing up for a wee!
I have been a long time campaigner for MTS (Men To Sit) when it comes to using the head. Having had fellow sailors on board which have messed up the head ’cause they weren’t aware of the MTS rule on our boat, I now place great emphasis on MTS and head usage during my briefings. MTS is now the highest priority in my briefings, way ahead of Life Jackets, EPIRB, Radio, etc.
In fact, I am such a great supporter of MTS that I practice it on Land as well. It’s much more comfortable to sit and after a few [too many] drinks, when the toilet bowl is continuously trying to avoid me while I’m aiming for it, MTS has once again give me the upper hand.
The home-head is much cleaner these days and does not smell like public urinal which make the home captain very happy.
What is world coming to? Men sitting down and Ladies standing up for wee. Whats next? Urinals in Ladies toilets?
So, for what it’s worth, Ladies, keep sitting down, it’s more comfortable and makes for a much cleaner head!
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Ha haha! Love it John! You make some very valid points. I might have to start campaigning for MTS around here. Someone in our family has ‘aiming’ issues… and it isn’t me!
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Love it, John! MTS is a great cause, for sure!
I guess I’m not entirely certain why you replied to my comment in particular rather than Viki’s original post, but for what it’s worth, I’m personally all for sitting down to use the head, whatever your gender 🙂 I think ladies just get a wee bit jealous (couldn’t help it the bad pun…) that guys get to use the rail instead of the head. Especially when you don’t want to go below at all for fear of getting seasick… I know, I know, Safety at Sea protocol tells guys not to use the rail for fear of going overboard, but come on, how many guys really never pee over the side?
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Dear Ellen, Queen of bad puns, thank you for replying to my comment.
I’m not sure either why I replied to YOUR comment. I wasn’t particularly selective about which reply I clicked, but what’s done is done and I have no regrets!
I feel a need to make a statement about your UTR (Use The Rail) comment:
UTR may work well for males under 40, but there comes a time when flow and pressure is just not the way it used to be. In our younger years we may have been know to use our ability to aim in competitions to hit a fly on a dunny wall, but the required target area grows significantly as we age. Now in my 50’s, UTR is out of the question in all but the most benign conditions where we are securely anchored with zero wind or wave and even then, UTR over the side is prone to end up a wee bit messy (my feeble attempt to keep up with your far superior puns).
UTR OTS (Off the Stern) remains a viable option for some of us oldies but using the head and MTS remains the cleanest and most comfortable solution by far.
I think someone needs to start an MTS supporters Facebook page, we need to spread the good word!
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Ha haaaa! You guys crack me up…!
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Now you really have me laughing! Like the idea of MTS Facebook page, too 🙂
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I don’t know how I missed this hilarious post, Vicki, but it certainly is a good one. But seriously by the last leg of our circumnavigation we had figured out a solution to the wee wee wee problem. Not so wee for either of us! I, infortunately suffer terribly from seasickness, especially having to use the head underway. So… I don’t. Neither of us do!
For general bathroom needs whilst underway we use the black bucket. Perfect! Our BB is a sturdy heavy rubber horse feed bucket with a nice rolled edge for sitting comfort and a nice long, lanyard secured to the handle.
Procedure: Dig said bucket out of the lazarette. Place bucket in cockpit well. Whilst hanging onto the dodger support pull down all bottom clothing. Sit on bucket while using both hands hanging on to companionway cover to keep steady. When finished stand up, pull up bottom clothing, empty contents of bucket overboard (leeward side, of course!!). All of this is done while being securely hooked in with two tethers (one long, one short). One can even rinse the bucket if it is not too roly poly!
That was great except that both of us found it a bit cumbersome when only needing to wee wee.
The wee wee wee solution:
Billy, my co-skipper, and I finally figured out, as I said previously -by our last leg of circumnavigation- the perfect wee wee receptacle for both of us. It is a plastic1 litre empty bottle with its narrow part cut off. Fits perfectly for both anatomies! It can also be stored in the lazarette and used in the cockpit. My co-skip can even use it sitting down and scooting to the edge of the cockpit seat. I can do the same… sort of. One needs to play around with positions so to speak (;)!!! It’s even better for me to use below decks in the middle of the night. I just hang onto the companionway with one hand, do what is needed and then hand up the receptacle to co-skip who is on watch to get rid of it. No need for a lanyard as it is very light and the contents easily tossed leeward.
A solution for two very happy sailors!
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Fabulous!!! A great idea. I’ll give that a try. Sounds like a good solution. 🙂
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